What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 11:33
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
But, we were locked up after school.
What can help me fall asleep at night?
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Put me off passion for life!!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
When she asked me how she looked .
One cannot live in the past .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
When do you start "growing old"?
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
My family never makes their pension either.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
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On the 31st of Jan this month .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
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I waited trembling.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Why am I so jealous towards couples? Why am I tired of being single and feel my life is over?
Im dying but, im not bitter.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
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At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Im still living with it.
Has anyone ever had sex with their cousin? How did it start, and would you do it again?
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Especially a lifetime of it.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
My boyfriend won’t tell me his past and it hurts me so I broke up with him what do I do?
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
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We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
She found it foreign!.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
(And it was in our own minds.)
This is soul school!.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I was 9 years of age.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I think the readers, may guess!
So whats the point in blame.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I never cut or harmed myself..
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
He knew the spot.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
But ive been too sick for many years..
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Comes on , in middle age.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Who then, do I blame.?
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I said to her
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Why did i forgive my father ?
He resisted the act ,that day.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
All the time i was locked up.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Would this be the day?
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
But it wasn’t much.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I was scared of men, in general
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
My life is so biszare .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
She wouldn,t have been !
I was seconnd youngest,
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I don,t even have a pension.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I have no regrets .
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
She loved him until the end.
We all went to grammer schools
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I write beautiful poetry .
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
It was going to be , some day.
So, i spoilt her more .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I couldn’t, believe it.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
She married twice! .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Ive learnt so much.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
She was in good health!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I will be 64.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
And i lived it daily.
We were not on the streets..
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I was very sick at this time too.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
What did i know ?
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.